i.
First crush.
I remember dark hair and light eyes and oh, that smile. That smile that made my still-growing heart go thumpthumpthump. Feelings of guilt and guilt and guilt and laughter and guilt because I knew she liked you, too, liked you first, liked you more. Felt so much guilt for that activity on Valentine's Day when we were paired up together by accident and I felt so happy and so much guilt.
And I wonder where you are and who you are and if we met again, if that guilt has gone away.
I can still see those light eyes. . .
ii.
Down by the grove of trees where we were hidden from the sun and the eyes of others, that's where memories were made. Days of laughter and wind blowing through our hair as we rode down the hill on our bicycles, and down and down.
Then up, up, high up in the treehouse where laughter sounded and promises were made. Our secret club with us, just us, and we had our secret handshake and secret signs and secret smiles.
I never forgot you, with that quirky smile and laugh that sounds like mischief.
Do you remember me?
iii.
Best friends. Mock tea parties and you would ask, "More sugar, ma'am?" and we would laugh because there was no sugar.
And we loved to envision unicorns and clouds as we pranced across the playground that was ours, just ours.
You taught me how to jump-rope and we would count one two buckle my shoe three four shut the door and we would giggle together when I tripped up.
I miss you like the beat of the jump rope on the pavement.
one two I miss you three four I miss you five six I miss you.
iv.
Your scissor words and knife-like laughter. You thought you were so cool, with your remarks that cut so deep, so deep, and stabbed at my heart so hard, so hard.
I cried when you said that, not to my face, behind my back, like a coward, a fierce coward. You took my feelings and crushed them and scattered them.
And I had to pick them up again, those shattered pieces, one by one.
I still don't feel complete.
v.
You gave me a love for music, with our meaningless lyrics and our unperfected voices. We had everything. Sleepless sleepovers, playtime with makeup, talking about boys and bands and summer and boys. I was there when you cried, grinned when you laughed, hugged you so hard it could only be a bestfriendshug. You listened when I cried, teased me when I laughed, and gave me a nickname, only to be used by you.
And now I worry about you and where you are going.
We've grown apart.
What happened?
vi.
I'm not a superhero, so why do I feel so invisible around you?
Your origami words, so carefully constructed to please, they feel so paper-thin.
I'm not like the others; so small so thin so beautiful so perfect. I do not make your head turn and I wonder, I wonder why I'm not noticed like the others, but I know.
I just want you to look at me.
But I am still invisible.
vii.
You are my fun-sized candy bar. You were so cute and happy and you made my time in that place unforgettable.
It is because of you that I was happy.
One day we will eat alfredo and watch Phantom of the Opera again, and maybe I will thank you.
Just for being you.
viii.
I never saw it coming.
A friendship out of nowhere, and yet it came so fast. We say the quietest things and try so hard not to laugh. And we do the dumbest things, the funniest things, and I can't stop smiling.
And I think where it could go, where it would go, if only. . .
But that chance is gone, ruined by "if only."
if only if only if only. . .
ix.
I always loved to write, but it was you who struck a flare. I was captivated by your spiderweb words, entangled and shaped and beautiful. Both horrified and entranced, I yearned to by as you, still do, still wish.
So proud of our silly little jokes and our roughly written piece, only because I can say "it was by me and you." So much prettier, me and you. So much happier, me and you.
I would that I could tell you thank you, but in person.
My lovely inspiration.
x.
Promise me that you'll be safe. Promise me you'll keep a straight head.
I worry about you. So fearful of your future.
Promise me you'll be okay.
Promise me.
xi.
my girl. my booooy. Even your voice makes me happy. I hear you and start to laugh.
My artistic inspiration.
Stupid jokes, inside jokes, caps-locked messages bearing typed-out friendship.
I miss you.
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Comments
my guess is that i'm nine cuz of the "spiderweb words."
--
broken hearts hurt but they make us strong
But thank you.
And, I'm not allowed to say, you silly. . .
spider.
--
010010110100111101001100001000 000100101101001111010011000010 000001001011010011110100110000 100000010010110100111101001100
you are. you are really good at writing and drawing and being amazing.
--
broken hearts hurt but they make us strong
I try.
But I'll never be as amazing as you!
--
010010110100111101001100001000 000100101101001111010011000010 000001001011010011110100110000 100000010010110100111101001100
hey, btw, did you ever get the pictures i sent you? or did i accidently send them to the wrong email? *i do that really often and these total strangers reply and are like, 'wtf?' and i'm like, 'sorrysorrysorry!'*
--
broken hearts hurt but they make us strong
and
uhhhh
I don't think so. D:
Let me note you my email again
(since the internetz are full of STALKERS D8)
--
010010110100111101001100001000 000100101101001111010011000010 000001001011010011110100110000 100000010010110100111101001100
you were right
i did send it to the wrong email.
*facepalm*
--
broken hearts hurt but they make us strong
X3
I forgive you.
--
010010110100111101001100001000 000100101101001111010011000010 000001001011010011110100110000 100000010010110100111101001100
I love all of these so much! You have such an elegant way of writing - the style that keeps a reader glued to your words like honey on bread.
But seriously! <3 Gah. Man, I was kinda shocked when I read the last one. XD I-is that me?
You: "No."
--
"It is the mucus that binds us"
Icon art by~koochinko.
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